Meeting Grace

The first thing that attracted me to Grace was her simplicity and the gentle aura of innocence that characterised her first appearance. She had also come home for Christmas. I liked Grace from the very moment I set eyes on her. I saw her across the road opposite my family home and approached her as if we had met before. This was my usual approach for starting a conversation with any girl I saw, liked, and wanted to know better. She responded with calmness and humility. She had a small camera in her hands, and I asked if she would like to take my picture. With a tone that felt like an unspoken invitation to continue, she said it wouldn’t be necessary. I introduced myself and mentioned that I would like to meet her again if possible. We met a few more times before I left Ogidi for Lagos, but I promised to visit her in Ilorin, where she lived with her parents.

Before leaving Ogidi for Lagos, I told my mother I had found the girl I wanted to marry and asked her to find out more about her family background. On the eve of my departure, I gave my mother Grace's details. Early the following morning, before I could get out of bed, my mother came into my room. She said she had discussed Grace with my father and that he had confirmed she would make a good wife for me, as she came from a reputable family. 

Grace hails from the storied warrior Iduyọn family of the Odomogun quarters in Ogidi, a lineage known for its strength and resilience. Her father, Martin Oludẹmi, was the firstborn of Pa Jerome Oludẹmi, a man of solid repute in their community. Her grandmother, Modupe Oludẹmi (née Joseph), was known for her quiet strength and the grace with which she managed the household and upheld the family’s values. Grace is the third of eight children born to Mr. and Mrs. Oludẹmi, each sibling a vibrant thread in the tapestry of the family’s history.

Tragically, the family faced a deep sorrow shortly after our wedding in 1982, when her eldest sister, who had been a guiding light and pillar among the siblings, passed away. It was a loss that cast a shadow over our newly married life and left a void in the family that time could not easily heal.

About six months before I first met Grace, Mrs Christiana Medupin, Brother Michael’s wife, with whom I had lived in Lagos before moving to Festac Town, had promised to introduce a girl to me. She had moved to Ilorin when her husband was appointed the Solicitor General for Kwara State in 1979. She had been urging me to visit them in Ilorin, saying she wanted to introduce me to someone. I hadn’t given much thought to her invitation, as I didn’t think I was that desperate for a wife.

On my way back to Lagos, I stopped in Ilorin to tell her about the new girl I had met in Ogidi. It turned out that Grace was the same girl she had in mind for me! I told her I had left Grace in Ogidi. Within two weeks of returning to Lagos, I was back in Ilorin to see Grace.

Grace lived with her parents in the staff quarters of the University of Ilorin, in a three-bedroom detached house with a boy’s quarters at the back. On my first visit to their house, I was accompanied by Felix Medupin, one of my brothers (now deceased). It was an informal visit just to know where she lived. I met her mother and most of her siblings. She had two older sisters and several younger siblings, both boys and girls. I stayed in Ilorin for a few more days, and Grace and I met regularly to get to know each other better. I visited her house a couple more times before returning to Lagos, and she visited me in Lagos a few times.

On one of her visits to Lagos, she saw me driving out of my close in Festac Town with another in my car. She didn’t seem to like that and decided to return to Ilorin immediately. This incident almost led to the end of a relationship that hadn’t yet taken root. However, we were able to resolve our differences and move on. That was part of getting to know each other.

Things had started to move quickly. We had begun talking about the wedding. A friend's wedding, of which I was the bestman, was scheduled for April, and Grace arrived in Lagos early to prepare for the journey to Ile Ife. Two other girls travelled with us, and we lodged in a three-star hotel. The two girls shared a room, while I shared another room with Grace. The wedding ceremony was simple yet gracious. After the reception, we all travelled to Ibadan for the night party.

The wedding provided an excellent opportunity for Grace and me to get to know each other better. I found her to be highly reserved and somewhat isolated. I noticed that most of her responses to my questions were brief, either a ‘yes’ or a ‘no,’ leaving little room for follow-up. The more I tried to understand her inner thoughts, the less I knew what she was thinking. This mystery about her only increased my interest. I wanted to find out what made her tick, but it seemed like an almost impossible task.

The first time I met Grace’s parents was shortly before my friend's wedding. It was important for them to know me and my intentions for their daughter before allowing her to travel from Ilorin with me. I went to their house with my uncle, who also happened to be a close friend of her father. I found Grace’s father, Martin, now deceased. to be very amicable and easy to talk to. I felt completely at ease during our first meeting. Her mother, Modupe, also deceased, was also a kind-hearted woman. The good relationship that existed between my uncle and Grace’s father greatly helped accelerate my acceptance into her family. In a short period, I had become like a member of the family. I could visit them anytime I wanted and could go out with Grace whenever I pleased. All my friends also became regular visitors to her house whenever they visited Ilorin.

By August 1982, I had introduced Grace to almost everyone important in my family. Finally, I decided to travel with her to Kano to introduce her to my elder brother. I drove my car from Lagos and left it at Brother Michael’s Government Reservation Area (GRA) residence in Ilorin while we travelled by train to Kano. The journey was one of many I had made by train. By then, travelling by train had become routine, far removed from my first journey from Otukpo to Kaduna as a student of Ochaja Secondary School way back in 1968.

For the journey from Ilorin to Kano, I had bought two second-class tickets for Grace and myself. We had just settled down in what seemed like a comfortably neat second-class coach when I saw a cousin of mine who was living in Minna, Niger State, at the time. I proudly introduced Grace to him as my fiancée. Apparently unimpressed by seeing both of us in a second-class coach, he simply took our tickets, stepped out of the coach, and returned with two new tickets, upgraded to first class. We moved to a first-class coach and had a fantastic journey to Kano. The trip gave us another opportunity to interact closely and get to know each other better. There were many things I wanted to learn about Grace, and I was sure she also wanted to know more about me. However, she wouldn’t talk much and simply answered questions with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. By the time we returned to Ilorin from Kano, she probably already knew everything she needed to know about me, while I only knew what she wanted me to know about her. What kept me going was my desire to learn more about such an intriguing and private personality, as well as the importance of our family connection. I assumed her reserved nature was simply shyness, likely influenced by the age gap between us. But the challenging issues often linked to communication, or the lack thereof, persisted throughout our relationship.

At Grace’s father's suggestion, I travelled to Ore in Ondo State,  South West of Nigeria, to visit her grandfather on his farm. I went with my best friend, Danjuma Auta, of blessed memory. We spent one night in the farmhouse, which was an experience I cherished. It reminded me of my primary school days when I travelled with my father to Edah. Grace’s father had already spoken well of me to his own father. Her grandfather took me on a long walk across his vast cocoa farm, showing me various herbal leaves used to treat different ailments. He gave me very useful advice on how to live a successful married life.

We returned to Ilorin and decided to set our wedding date for December 4, 1982. We had set the ball rolling, and there was no turning back.

Extracts from Grace and Resilience: A Personal Story of My Life’s Journey